I’ve given up. Not in the lost-all-hope sense. In the let-it-go sense.
First I fired my domestic help. My teen was getting paid to clean-the basic washing of surfaces was her job. An actual job that required a certain amount of quality and demanded some respect when it came to the requirements of the job. I did my best to write exactly what needed to be done. To praise the areas she excelled and gently point out what needed improvement. I made her a calendar with reminders on the days she had to do a certain part of her job along with other commitments she’s made. I verbally reminded her and let her choose the times and make adjustments for her own interests.
But she wasn’t doing the job to my expectations, she was grumpy doing it, and finally, after neither of us was communicating with kindness, she told me to shut-up. So I fired her. In fact I ‘fired’ her from any basic responsibility. I no longer require her services when getting groceries, doing laundry and dishes, or helping with the tots-which all in all was pretty limited compared to the rest of her time for herself. I’m tired of wasting my time with the reminding and inspecting and suggesting. I’m tired especially of the struggles with her attitude about it. Like quitting school at home, I’ve relieved her and myself of the hassle of helping at home too.
I’m 8 months pregnant and can hardly bend and tire easily but I don’t care. I’m doing the cleaning myself. I’d already prepped most the house so she wouldn’t have to do any really grimy scrubbing. I’ve been steadily organizing the house to make my life feel better and my responsibilities more efficient.
I asked for help from her and my husband to at least clean up their messes-which mostly consisted of wiping up food messes they make and putting away their own stuff. I also asked but made clear it wasn’t a big deal, for their help in cleaning up clutter while I am big and pregnant and for a short while after the baby is born so I can bond with baby. I’ve given up on that too. They’ve made no effort that I see and I need to feel happy so I choose to just not care. Instead I’ll try to keep up on it myself.
This does mean I’ll have to sacrifice something here and there. My own cleanliness. Play time with the tots. The happy I feel from having a fairly clutter free space. Sleep. Mostly probably it’ll be my projects that bring me joy that I’ll have to dial back on. Fortunately the big ones I wanted to get done before the baby have been nearly completed so I no longer feel overwhelmed or stressed by them.
I’ve given up on feeling approval too. I want so much to feel beautiful. I want my husband to love my belly and delight in watching it move. I want to know beyond a doubt that I’m loved either (preferably with both) by his words and/or his affection. I have neither. And I don’t care anymore. I can’t depend on him for my happiness and I can learn to find love elsewhere. Of course I don’t really not care about not having love. I think its a fundamental need to feel loved. But I have to stop expecting it to be given to me in ways I want it from someone who can’t express it that way to me. I will find love in myself. I will find love from Source. I will find love from my children who freely give it. I will find love from my friends. Maybe I’ll even accept love better from my mom.
That’s not to say I’m not loved. That’s not to say I don’t love and adore my partner. And I do enjoy his companionship and raising our family together. I just don’t feel the love in a way I want to feel loved. But I’m no longer caring.
Not caring can be tricky and can lead to a dark place too. The trick with not caring is to truly not care. It can’t be a defense mechanism. I can’t turn into a hard-ass tough girl and build walls to protect myself. No, it has to be a genuine letting go of wanting what I think I need and accepting I can’t have expectations of others. It has to be real. It has to be me seeking the joy in myself and myself alone. With falling in love with oneself its easier to spot the joy in others and accept them as they are without requirement. To truly not care is freedom.